14 BASIC RULES FOR DOGS
(A humorous set of rules from your dog's point of view)
1. NEWSPAPERS:
If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always
use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that
purpose.
2. VISITORS: Quickly
determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across
the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this
person. If the human falls down on the floor and
starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to
show your concern.
3. BARKING: Because
you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark…a
lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting
their house. Especially late at night while they
are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more
secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up
in the middle of the night and hearing your protective
bark, bark, bark...
4. LICKING: Always
take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately
before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues.
Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
5. HOLES: Rather
than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard
and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes
all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange
a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe
they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough
holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part
to help correct this problem.
6. DOORS: The area
directly in front of a door is always reserved for
the family dog to sleep.
7. THE ART OF SNIFFING:
Humans like to be sniffed…everywhere. It is
your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
8. DINING ETIQUETTE:
Always sit under the table at dinner, especially
when there are guests, so you can clean up any food
that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to
practice your sniffing.
9. HOUSEBREAKING:
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break
as much of the house as possible.
10. GOING FOR WALKS (Rules
of the road): When out for a walk with your master
or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own
lawn.
11. COUCHES: It
is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch
after all your humans have gone to bed.
12. PLAYING: If
you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick,
use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't
injure yourself.
13. CHASING CATS:
When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch
them. It spoils all the fun.
14. CHEWING: Make
a contribution to the fashion industry - Eat a shoe.
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